Hey everyone! I wrote this post October 1st and I was so nervous to post it. I'm usually open and honest but, this is an area that I'm a bit insecure about. I know someone may be able to relate this and be encouraged. Sorry for the delay ya'll and look out for more posts. Keep me in prayer and enjoy.
Shirt: Jones of New York - Thrift Store
This fear that I have came to surface in the past few weeks. It was one of those things I had to say out loud to myself to see if this was really happening…and it was. So let’s get into it.
Like I said in my last post, I was recently hired for a preschool teacher position as an alternate teacher meaning, I work in two classrooms. For the first few weeks I was still getting use to the classrooms, learning kids names, figuring out where everything was in both classrooms, trying to interact with the kids and so on. There were moments where I was paranoid and wasn’t sure if I was doing anything correctly. I wouldn’t ask for help as much and that resulted into me doing it my way. All in all, I was working really hard and on top of that, I’m very hard on myself too.
Crossover purse: Target
Two weeks in, my boss called me into her office along with another individual as a witness. She hands me a packet of everything she observed about me and comments the lead teachers of each classroom had to say and man….there was nothing good at all on any of those pages. My boss was confused and so was I. I tried very hard to keep my tears in and just like that, large tears started rolling down my cheeks. I haven’t cried that hard in a while y’all. After my shift ended, the tears continued.
Over the weekend, I had time to really read the packet I was given, go over the handbook again, look over the job responsibilities for my position, and pray. After doing this, I felt a little bit more confident to start the new week doing the right things and applying the corrections I was given. I walk in and I start my day, doing what I was always doing and more. When I tell you I had anxiety every single second of my 8 hour day, it was bad. It was like that the entire week. During the week when I was asked to do something that I felt I was incapable to do or lead something that I felt I wasn’t ready for, my anxiety grew drastically.
When I got home I was like “Tiffany….what the heck is going on girl?”. Then it came to me, I am afraid to grow and mature in this area (job) of my life. My work history is so weird and I honestly feel insecure about it at times. I consider this my first full-time job where there is no comfort at all and where my pride is not welcomed ( still working on that too). It’s really stretching and pruning me to be my best self and the best teacher that I can be for my students. When I think about the attitude I had entering this preschool, it was all pride to be honest. The same mindset I had at all of my previous jobs where thoughts like,
“They need me”
“I know what I’m doing”
“I’m doing better than this person anyway”
“It’s ok if I come a little late, it’s not that deep”
“Why do I have to do this ( or that)? Why can’t she do it?”
That’s the mindset I had entering work and that is how I carried myself to every job I’ve ever had.
When I came to that realization, I was like,
“How did I survive?”
“How did I make it this far in life?”
Pants: Thrift store
Photographer: DistortedFX Media
Lol. It’s a scary thing to realize that now but, it’s a great thing too. This experience caused me to wake up and to start taking my job seriously. I can’t look at it as if I’m doing them a favor by being there. They hired me because they saw me fit for this position and my resume speaks for it self. I am open and honesty about my life for the most part but, I was nervous to share this because again, my pride. This is a layer of my self that I needed to peel away a long time ago and it’s finally off and given to the Lord. It’s not easy for me to break into my new job with this new mindset since I’ve conditioned it in a certain ways for so long. Keep me in prayer y’all. God bless!
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Romans 12:2 NIV